An old woman walked into an antique store and looked at a diamond necklace in a glass cabinet. Suddenly, she let out a fart. She coughed, trying to disguise it, because a shop assistant was walking by. She then called the assistant over and asked how much the necklace was.





The assistant replied, "If you just farted looking at it you'll shit yourself when I tell you the price!"

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A hippie saunters into an urban Bar & Grill and orders a cheeseburger.
"But make sure to make it not too well done, not too rare, but just in the groove." The waiter is a little annoyed at this, but serves him the burger.
"Waiter!" the hippie says after a little bit. "Could I get a cup of tea? Not too weak, not too strong, but just in the groove." More annoyed now, the waiter contemplates pissing in the tea, but doesn''t.
"Waiter!" the hippies says a little later. "Could I get some ice cream? Not too chocolate, not too vanilla, but just in the groove."
"Wait," said the waiter. "I have another idea. How ''bout you kiss my ass? Not too much to the right, not too much to the left, but just in the groove."

Guy: Hey dude I just saw this awesome movie the wife is brutally killed by a cold blooded killer and the son gets really hurt Then there's a twist and the son is kidnapped the father then begins a quest to find and save his son with the help of a mental ill female.
Girl: Sounds epic what's it called?
Guy: Finding Nemo
Girl:LOL !!!

Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom with the lights out, since they can't see each other signing.



After several nights of fumbling around and many misunderstandings, the wife figures out a solution.



"Honey, why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast two times."



"Great idea!" the husband signs to her.



Then he thinks about how to make up a signal for her. The "A-ha!" look flashes over his face.



"And if you want to have sex with me," he replies, "reach over and pull on my organ one time. If you don't want to have sex, pull on my organ two hundred and fifty times."

MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.

FEMALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

There were some guys sailing through the ocean. One day the guy in the crows nest yelled down. "Captain 10 ships on the horizon!" The captain says "Bring me my red shirt!" so he puts on his red shirt and the battle ensues. No one gets hurt and they win. The guy from the crows nest asks "Captain why did you want you red shirt?" the captain says " If i get shot you will not see the blood and you will fight on and when!" the guy says "OK cool." two weeks pass by and the guy in the crows nest says " captain 40 ships on the horizon!" the captain say " Bring me my brown pants!"

dad: son get me a drink!

son: juice or pepsi?

dad: pepsi

son: hot or cold?

dad: cold!

son: sweet or salty?

dad: damn it just get me water!

son: still or mineral?

dad: MINERAL!

son: minty or normal?

dad: im gonna kill you!

son: head or body?

dad: head!

son: shotgun or knife?

dad: $%&?!)$&*!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

5 boys were playing football. 4 of them notices that the other one wasn't very good, so they asked him,

"Why are you not good at sport? Boys are meant to be really sporty"
The boy answered,

"Well I am really a girl but I had a sex change"

The first boy asked her,
"What was the most painful part? Was it when they sewed a dick on you?" In which she replied no.

The second boy asked her,
"Was it when they chopped your boobs off?" In which she again replied no.

The third boy asked her,
"Was it when they pumped your muscles up" She still replied no.

The fourth boy asked her,
"Then what WAS the most painful part?"

The girl smiled innocently and said,

"When they cut my brain in half"

A Canadian soldier is walking around in Iraq. He stumbles on a Jini's lamp, rubs it a Jini comes out and says : "you have one wish, what would that be?" the soldier thinks a little and says " I wish for the war in Iraq to end". the Jini says em i don't think even i can do something about that. Do you have any other wish? The soldier then says "I want the Maple Leaves to win their next game" The Jini looks at the soldier and says "What was that wish about Iraq again?"

Six retired Floridians play high stakes poker in the condo clubhouse.



A member of the group, Meiers, loses $5,000 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.



Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five finish playing the hand standing up.



Finkelstein looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna' tell his wife?"



They cut the cards, and Goldberg "wins" the duty. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, not to make a bad situation any worse.



"Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name," he says. Leave it to me."



Goldberg goes over to the Meiers' apartment and knocks on the door. Mrs. Meiers wife answers and asks what he wants.



Goldberg declares, "Your husband just lost $5,000 playing poker, and is afraid to come home."



"Tell him to drop dead!" says the wife.



"Will do," he says.