Lawyers should never ask a Georgia
grandma a question if they aren’t
prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town
prosecuting attorney called his first
witness, a grandmotherly, elderly
woman to the stand. He approached her
and asked, ‘Mrs. Jones, do you know
me?’ She responded, ‘Why, yes, I do
know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve known you
since you were a boy, and frankly,
you’ve been a big disappointment to me.
You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you
manipulate people and talk about them
behind their backs. You think you’re a
big shot when you haven’t the brains to
realize you’ll never amount to anything
more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I
know you.’
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing
what else to do, he pointed across the
room and asked, ‘Mrs. Jones, do you
know the defense attorney?’
She again replied, ‘Why yes, I do. I’ve
known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he
has a drinking problem. He can’t build a
normal relationship with anyone, and
his law practice is one of the worst in
the entire state. Not to mention he
cheated on his wife with three different
women. One of them was your wife.
Yes, I know him.’
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to
approach the bench and, in a very quiet
voice, said,
‘If either of you idiots asks her if she
knows me, I’ll send you both to the
electric chair.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: "Watson, look up at the sky, and tell me what you see."



Watson replied: "I see millions and millions of stars."



Holmes said: "And what do you deduce from that?"



Watson replied: "Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like Earth out there. And if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life."



And Holmes said: "Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent."

'Girls Night Out'

One night my girls invited me out. I promised my husband I'd be home by midnight. Hours passed and margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 AM (a bit loaded) I headed home. Just as I got in the cuckoo clock chimed 3 times. Afraid my hubby would wake I quickly cuckooed 9 more times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick witted solution. The next morning he asked what time I got in. I said "MIDNIGHT!" He seemed fine so I thought I'd gotten away with it. Then he said "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked why he said "Well, last night our clock cuckooed 3 times, said 'oh shit', cuckooed 4 times, cleared its throat, cuckooed 3 times again, giggled, cuckooed twice more, then tripped over the coffee table and farted."

One day an old couple decided to go to Jerusalem for vacation. A few days after they arrived, the old wife died. The man who worked at the local funeral home told him that he could pay $150 to have her buried here of pay $4,000 to have her body be shipped over and have her get buried there. The old man thought about it for a while, and said that he would rather pay $4,000 to have her body shipped over than to pay $150 to get her buried here. The man who worked at the funeral home asked him why he wanted to pay $4,000 instead of $150. The old man replied " 2,013 years ago a man died and was buried here. Three days later he resurrected. I cant take the chance."

How Fast Can You Guess These Short Words You Probably Use Every Day?
1. F__ K
2. PU_S_
3. S_X
4. P_N_S
5. BOO_S
6. __ NDOM

Answers
1. FORK
2. PULSE
3. SIX
4. PANTS
5. BOOKS
6. RANDOM

Scoring
6 Correct: You're doing great! A young and supple mind.
5 Correct: You're still OK: everyone can miss ONE now and then.
4 Correct: You're past your prime, dad.
3 Correct: You're past your prime, grandma.
2 Correct: You really need to see your doctor.
1 Correct: You're probably already being seen by a doctor.
0 Correct: What a pervert!

Three men are stranded on an island. They are close to starvation, when a Native Tribe finds them and takes them back to their camp. The leader says:" Go in a jungle and bring back a fruit, then we will let you live". They go out looking for fruits, the first guy comes back with a peach. The leader says:" Now take the peach and shove it up your ass, if you laugh, we will kill you."
He attempts it but has to laugh so they cut his head off. The second man appears back from his trip with a grape. The leader gives him the same instructions, but the second guy doesn't seem to have any problems, but bursts out laughing mid way through his test. He too is beheaded.

In heaven the two guys meet, the first guy says:" I laughed because the peaches fuzz was tickling my bum, why did you laugh?"
The second man responded:" I was doing fine, until I saw the third guy come back with a Pineapple."

An Englishman, a German and a Frenchman are all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when, all of a sudden, Saudi police rush in and arrest them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they are all sentenced to death!

However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentences down to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip.

As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh announced: "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping.

The German was first in line, he thought for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back. This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. When the punishment was done the German had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain.

The Frenchman was next up. After watching the German in horror he said smugly: "Please fix two pillows to my back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again and the Frenchman was soon led away whimpering loudly.

The Englishman was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from a most beautiful part of the world and your culture is one of the finest in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"

"Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness," the Englishman replied. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."

"Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave," the Sheikh said with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish, what is it to be?" the Sheikh asked.

The Englishman smiled and said, "Tie the Frenchman to my back."

I used to smoke pot before class. I walked in 10 minutes late with a bullshit excuse, slunk down at my desk and hoped that nobody asked me any questions.

I was the best teacher EVER.

A man walks into a bar, he asks for two shots the bar tender says to him we have a deal going on right now. The man replys whats the deal man? the bar tender says to him if you can drink this half gallon of whiskey in five minutes and keep it down for another five minutes, then go out back and pull the angry alligators tooth out and then lastly up stairs is a woman who has never had an orgasim if you give her one and do the other two things in that order you can eat and drink here for free forever. The man said that sounds tough but I will try it any way so he chugs the whiskey drinks it in time and keep it down then goes out back about twenty minutes go by the people in the bar hear screaming and just pure pain the man walks back into the bar all tore up bleeding stumbling drunk and what not and looks over at the bar tender and says now where is that woman who needs her tooth pulled.

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.
Usually she slept through the class.
One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"
When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.
Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ****!"