Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough.

I'm trying to have makeup sex but the god damn lipstick keeps breaking off inside me.

The awkward moment when you're banging your chick doggie style and can't help but notice the butt hole lint.

I want world peace so bad that I will punch anyone in the face who opposes me.

what do you get when you cross a hedgehog with an owl? a prick that stays up all night

Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.

that moment when you laugh so much about your friends joke you end up farting accidently.

I bet nerdy kids in math call their friends Algebros.

Home is where the wifi connects automatically.

If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I would have one badass harley... and some super cute riding boots.