Thieves had broken into my house and stolen everything except my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant. Dirty Bastards.

I'm going to stand outside, so if anyone asks I'm outstanding.

A book just fell on my head.
I've only got my shelf to blame.

Why can't a bike stand on it's own?
Because it is two tired.

What kind of shoes does a pedophile wear?
White vans

Velcro - what a rip-off!

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

I always take a second pair of pants when I go golfing... in case I get a hole in one.

want to hear a construction joke?
I'm working on it

It was hard getting over my addiction to hokey pokey, but I've turned myself around.