A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket. All he needed to do was somehow get to the airport, and then he'd be home-free.
So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home. He offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc...
The cabbie said, ''If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!''
So the businessman was forced to hitchhike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.
One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck.
The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.
The businessman got in the first cab in the line, ''How much for a ride to the airport,'' he asked?
''Fifteen bucks,'' came the reply.
''And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?''
''What?! Get the hell out of my cab.''
The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result.
When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked, ''How much for a ride to the airport?''
The cabbie replied, ''Fifteen bucks.''
The businessman said, ''OK,'' and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs, the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each of the other drivers.

A guy is walking down the street and he sees his friend with a black eye. He asks him what happened.

His friends says, "Well I was in church and..."

The man interrupts "Church! How do you get hurt in church?"

The friend continues, "Well I was sitting behind this woman Angelina, and after a while what with all the standing, sitting and kneeling, I noticed she had developed a wegie. Now me being a nice guy, I pulled it out for her. She turned around "WHACK" "

The man says "I cant believe you did that", and continues walking.

A week later he sees his friend again and he has another black eye. He asks him what happened this time and his friend responds, "Well I was in church again..."

The man interrupts "CHURCH AGAIN? How do you keep getting hurt in church?!"

The friend explains, "Well, I was sitting behind Angelina again and..."

"Don't tell me you did it again"

"I did not, after all of the standing, sitting, and kneeling, I noticed the wegie again..."

"If you pulled it out again..."

"I did not pull it out. This time he husband was with her an he pulled it out for her. Now, I know she doesn't like that, so I pushed it back in."

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would never have to testify in court. When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!"

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "Where's the money?"

Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"

The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."

Guido trembles and signs, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."

The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"

The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger!"

One day, a farmer was tending to his livestock when he noticed that one of his cows was completely cross-eyed. He called up a veterinarian friend of his who told him to bring in his cow. The vet took one look at the cow, stuck a tube up the cow's butt, and blew into the tube until the cow's eyes straightened out. The vet charged the farmer a hundred bucks, and the farmer went home happy. About a week later, the cow's eyes were cross-eyed again, but this time the farmer figured he could probably take care of it himself. So he called his hired hand over, and together they put a tube up the cow's butt. The farmer put his lips to the tube and started to blow. Strangely, nothing happened, so he asked his hired hand to give it a try. The hired hand removed the tube, turned it around, put it in the cow's butt and started to blow.

"What are you doing?" asked the farmer, horrified.

"Well, I wasn't gonna use the side that YOU had put your lips on."

A guy dies and goes to hell, and meets Satan. Satan says to the man;
"Nowadays, people entering hell are able to choose their own personal hell. I will take you to a series of doors, and you will look inside, and tell me if that is where you would like to spend eternity."
The man agrees and Satan takes him down a long, dark hallway. Satan opens the first door, the man looks inside, and sees thousands of people standing on their heads on a hard-wood floor. The man says;
This looks too uncomfortable. Show me the next room please."
Satan then walks the man down to the second door. The man looks inside, and sees thousands of people standing on their heads on a concrete floor.
The man says;
"This is even worse. Please show me another room."
Satan nods and takes him to the third door, and the man looks inside; he sees thousands of people standing knee-deep in liquid shit, all drinking coffee. The man says;
"This is the place for me."
Satan then asks;
"Are you sure? Once the door closes you can never go back..."
The man says;
"I'm positive. I do love coffee."
The man steps in, and Satan closes the door. Just before the man could get comfortable, a voice on the loudspeaker says;
"Coffee break is over, BACK ON YOUR HEADS!!!!

Little Johnny was playing outside with his toy planes and figurines.
His mom was watching him, he was saying things as he was playing
He said, "all you motherf*ckers wanna get on, get on and all you motherf*ckers wanna get off, get off"
Johnny's mom heard all of what he just said and told him to go to his room for three hours. After three hours was up he went back outside with his planes he was saying things again, his mom was watching again
He said, "all of you nice people want to get on, get on and all of you nice people want to get off, get off and all of you motherf*ckers complaining about the three hour time delay, speak to the b*tch in the kitchen!

There was a magician on a ship. He went through his tricks all day. Then the captain's parrot always told the audience what really made the tricks happen. "hes using a different hat" "Theres a hole in the table" the parrot would say. The magician always got mad but couldnt do anything after all it was the captains parrot. Then the ship sank. The magician was hanging onto a plank and unfortunately was stuck with the parrot. they glared at each other for days. On the 6 day the parrot finally says "I give up wheres the f*cking ship?"

There's 3 sons of a priest. They did some bad crimes. One day all of them have to drink holy water in their father's church. The first man walks up and the priest says '' What crime did you do? drink the holy water now '' he says he killed his mother. He drinks the water. The second comes up, the priest says the same thing. He says he killed his son. He drinks the water. The third comes up laughing, the priest says '' what crime did you do? '' he simply says '' i peed in the holy water ''

Dad: son i want u 2 marry a girl of my choice.
Son: NO!
Dad: the girl is bill gates daughter
Son: then OK
Dad goes to bill gates
Dad: i want your daughter 2 marry my son
Bill gates: No
Dad:My son is the CEO of the world bank
Bill gates: then OK
Dad goes to the president of the world bank
Dad: Appoint my son the CEO of the world bank
President: No
Dad: he is the son-in-law of Bill gates
President: then OK
THIS IS BUSINESS

Lawyers should never ask a Georgia
grandma a question if they aren’t
prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town
prosecuting attorney called his first
witness, a grandmotherly, elderly
woman to the stand. He approached her
and asked, ‘Mrs. Jones, do you know
me?’ She responded, ‘Why, yes, I do
know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve known you
since you were a boy, and frankly,
you’ve been a big disappointment to me.
You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you
manipulate people and talk about them
behind their backs. You think you’re a
big shot when you haven’t the brains to
realize you’ll never amount to anything
more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I
know you.’
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing
what else to do, he pointed across the
room and asked, ‘Mrs. Jones, do you
know the defense attorney?’
She again replied, ‘Why yes, I do. I’ve
known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he
has a drinking problem. He can’t build a
normal relationship with anyone, and
his law practice is one of the worst in
the entire state. Not to mention he
cheated on his wife with three different
women. One of them was your wife.
Yes, I know him.’
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to
approach the bench and, in a very quiet
voice, said,
‘If either of you idiots asks her if she
knows me, I’ll send you both to the
electric chair.