if someone tells you off you say shut up i bet your mom's vagina has been used more than google

If I wanted a b*tch as a friend, I would've brought a dog

girl: i need google for my brain and anti-virus for my heart
boy: and photoshop on your face

A cop drives up to me and says: you're speeding. *so he pulls me over and said papers*
ME: so i said scissors, i win, and drove off

Boss: Are you high?

Me: You and I both know that I don't make enough money to have a drug habit.

Teacher: Why are there rings on Saturn?
Kid: Because God liked it, so he put a ring on it.
Teacher: Saturn was not a single lady.

insult: I bet you havent dropped your balls.
Comeback: Ask your mum i dropped them down her throat.

Every time I think of you my middle-finger gets a boner!

Comebacks for fat people
Bully:"You know, you are what you eat"
Fat kid:"Maybe that's why you're such a dick"
Class:"OOOOOOOOOH"

Maybe if you ate some of that makeup you'd be pretty on the inside too!