Im sorry what'd you say? I have an ear disease called I dont care.

"How big is your dick?"
"Not sure. I only have one ruler."

My girlfriend comes to me one day after sex a says that she fakes orgasms. I said well that's great! She replies why? I said now were on a level playing field. I tell you I love you all the time.

When I said "I'd hit that"

I meant with a baseball bat.

Let's just be honest Ugly starts with U and awesoME ends with me

*Nanny

Teacher:Why didn't you do your homework?
Student: I was busy last night.
Teacher: What were you doing?
Student: Well I had soccer practice until 7:30, then i had to eat dinner with my family. I then went to bed.
Popular kid: So you went to bed early! BABY, BABY!
Student: Well, I didn't go to bed by myself.

So I go to McDonalds to get a drink when I see this fat girl bullying a mentally disabled kid. So I walk up to her.
Me: You know that can happen to any of us, right?
Girl: Well God gave me a mouth to speak with so I'm going to use it
Me: Yeah? Well God gave you a mouth to eat too, but you abused that privilege, didnt ya?
Girl: -Speechless-
Me: Wipe that ketchup off your chin, too.
Girl: -Wipes chin-
Me: No, your other chin.

You're just mad because Miley Cyrus has a longer Dick than you do

I'd ask you on a date, but I don't like taking the trash out.

Kid: Mom I got detention
Mom: what for sweetie
Kid: Well, my teacher asked for my paper I got a 66 on
Mom: So?
Kid: She said " Give me the D"
Mom: So?...
Kid: So I did
Mom: I don't see why you got detention
Kid: I know right? and what's with the rape charges
Mom: what
Kid:what