guy - did it hurt?
chick- what?!?!?!?
guy - when you fell from heaven?
chick - that is so swee-
guy- because it looks like you landed on face!

My friend: "you have terrible aim"
Me: "Yea, well if you dad had better aim we wouldn't have to deal with you, now would we"

Best way to answer phone:
Mario's pizzeria and abortion clinic, your loss is our sauce.

me: playing on laptop
random jerk: hey nerd, you doing stupid research
me: no, I'm selling your mom on ebay

Person: You mother f*cker!



Me: Considering I f*cked your mother, I suppose I am a mother f*cker...

Boy: "Mom, can I go bungee jumping"
Mom: "NO, you came in this world because rubber broke, I don't want you to go out the same way."

You better rewind that attitude before I fast forward your ass whoopin.

"Your gay!" yells a angry boy.

"Hey, what's the difference between your jokes and your dick?" asks the other guy.

"I don't know, what?"

"No one laughs at your jokes"

boy: you have no pubes

me: yeah because the rest are stuck in your moms teeth

Great story hun.
In what chapter do you shut the f*ck up?