Student:can I go to the washroom

Teacher:write a note in your agenda

Student writes:explosive diaryha

Student:Can I go to the bathroom?
Teacher:What are you gonna do over there?
Student: Slay the f*cking dragon, b*tch, what else?!

Police officer: you know why i pulled you over
Me: *points at donuts* because you smelt these.

Everytime I go to a wedding......
Grandparents: *poke* *poke* Ur next. Ur next
Me: Next time I go to a funeral I'll do that same sh*t to you.See how you like it.

Boy: I love you!
Girl: -Sneezes- Sorry, I'm allergic to bullshit.

oh your such a beautiful,wonderful,intelligent person.oh im sorry i thought we were having a lying competition.

random Person: suck my dick!
me: i'll get the microscope

My teacher asked me the first day of school, "Are you chewing?"
I said, "No, Chewing is probably one these exchange students, my name is Michael."

boy 1:your mom is a hooker
boy2: ouch that was a low blow...speaking of low blows hows ur mom?

Mom: Make your bed, Monica!
Me: Why I have to make it if Im going to sleep in it again?
Mom: Why do I feed you If I know your just going to die?
Me: Good point. Lesson Learned.