My thoughts today are like underwear. I don't have any clean ones.

Dating a single mother is like continuing from somebody else's saved game.

Every zoo is a petting zoo as long as you're not a pussy.

Tupperware needs to be called TupperWHERE THE FUCK IS THE LID.

I almost had a threesome last night I just needed two more people

Lips that touch liquor, touch other lips quicker.

your mouth is like a butt, when you speak shit comes out

I miss being able to slam my phone down when I hang up on somebody. Violently tapping "end call" just isn't doing it for me.

No woman will ever be truly satisfied on Valentines day because no man has a chocolate penis wrapped in money that ejaculates diamonds.

I want to shove a lamp up your ass so you'll lighten the f*ck up.