Why doesn't someone invent a clear toaster so you can see how toasted your toast is while it's toasting?

When I seen a nun in a wheelchair one thought came to mind. Virgin mobile.

If the government shuts down then nothing will get done... just like before.

We live in a society where the relationship status on Facebook is more official than a wedding ring.

I hate when I walk into the classroom late and everyone stares at me like I just killed two people when I obviously killed seven.

"No, thanks. I'm a vegetarian." is a fun thing to say when someone hands you their baby.

It's so cold outside, I actually saw a gangster pull his pants up.

My love is like a candle... Because if you forget about me I will burn your f*cking house to the ground.

The awkward moment when you mispronounce organism in science class.

I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!