Ask someone to watch your bag for you. But don't actually leave it just stay there and stare at your bag with your new friend.
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah's fitness.
What concert only costs 45 cent? 50cent plus nickel back
Fortune cookie:You are what you eat.
Person:Thats funny I dont remember eating a sexy beast today.
Me. How do you celebrate Columbus Day?
Friend. How?
Me. You walk into someone's home and say you live there.
To all the students who drop out of high school: Remember two things...
1) You tried your best.
2) I don't like pickles on my BigMac.
Don't worry, shit happens. I mean, look at you!
You want to know what its like to have a fourth kid? Imagine you're drowning, and then someone hands you a baby...
School:2+2=4
Homework:2+4+2=8
Exam: John has 3 Apple's,his train is 7 minutes early,calculate the mass of the Sun. Next question.
Sure Mexico, you may have temporarily stolen our crown as fattest country... but just wait until the Twinkies come back!