i called you're boyfriend gay so he slapped me with his purse

What type of grades did Hitler get in school?

Not C's

I don't care who you are, Fatso. Get the reindeer off my roof!

McDonald's actually does serve breakfast after 10:30.
If you have a gun.

Why do Squirrels swim on their backs?

To keep their nuts dry.

Little Johnny once asked his teacher "Do hearts have legs?."
The teacher answered "Why do you ask that?"
Johnny replied "Yesterday, I heard my dad say sweetheart open your legs.". By -arthur

I am reminded that English is a flawed language every time I am forced to use "that that" in a sentence. It's not fair that that happens.

My mom bought cheap toilet paper. Bad decision.
Now we got a real mess on our hands.

Patient: Doctor, please help me, i have a really weak memory
Doctor: okay... so, since when are you suffering from this problem?
Patient: which problem?

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other one off.