Guy1: why did the chicken cross the road?
Guy2: Don't know.... why?
Guy1: to get to the gay guys house....
Guy2: ? ........
Guy1: knock knock
Guy2: who's there?
Guy1: chicken!
Guy2: f*ck you!

My dishwasher has been leaking this strange fluid and won't work...
Thankfully, she said her period will be over soon.

Cocky Kid: I have the body of a God!
Average Kid: Yeah; shame it's Buddha.

How are Tornadoes and women alike?

They moan when they come and take the house when they leave...

What room can ghosts not enter?
The living room!

What's the difference between a priest and pimples? Pimples wait until your atleast 14 before they cum on your face

You know what's easier than applying sunscreen? Not going outside.

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An Irishman drinks at the pub until they close.

He stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time and falls again. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Outside, he tries to stand up and falls flat again. He gives up and crawls the four blocks to his house, crawls up the stairs and pulls himself into bed.

The next morning, his wife stands over him shouting, "So, you've been out boozing again!"

"What makes you say that?" he asks, putting on an innocent face.

"The pub called -- you left your wheelchair there again."

A guy is in the hospital with two broken legs. The nurse comes in and tells him that there's good news and bad news.
The guy asks for the bad news first.
The nurse says, "We're going to have to remove your legs."
Then the guy asks for the good news.
The nurse says, "The guy beside you wants to buy your shoes."

My girlfriend is leaving me because she's tired of my over-active imagination.

Joke's on her! She doesn't even exist!