Bella: You're pale white and ice cold. I know what you are.

Edward: Say it...Out loud...Say it!

Bella: A Snowman...

Girl: Daddy can I watch the T.V.

Dad: Sure but just don't turn it on.

I love to brag to people on how I handle financial transactions for a multi-billion dollar corp. It beats telling them I'm a f*cking cashier at McDonald's.

Sometimes I just want the UFC commentator to be like "Personally, I think he's trying to f*ck him...but I'm no expert, Joe."

Me- "What mouse walks on 2 feet?"
Friend- "I don't know"
Me- "Mickey Mouse, what duck walks on 2 feet?"
Friend- "Donald Duck?"
Me- "No, all ducks dipshit"
Friend- "Screw you"

I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head

A boy is at school and he hears the older kids talking about pussy, and their b*tch. The boy confused by this goes to his mother. "Mom", the boy asks, "What's a pussy?"The mother being startled by this thinks quick and finds the closest dictionary and opens it up to a picture of a cat and says "Son, that is a pussy." the son then asks "What's a b*tch?" The mother again thinking quickly opens to a picture of a dog and says "Son, this is a b*tch."The son walks away still confused, and sees his father watching television. The son walks up to his father and says "Dad, what's a pussy?" The father doesn't want to miss the baseball game so he quickly whips out his Penthouse magazine to the centerfold, grabs a marker and draws a circle around the vagina and says "Son, this is a pussy!"The son, now starting to understand what the older boys are talking about asks "Then, what is a b*tch?"

The dad replies, "That's everything outside the circle!"

I was bored so I said "Wow, that's a weird place to put a piano." You wouldn't believe how many people looked around for a piano. I was in an elevator.

If man think with their dicks, wouldnt a blowjob be mindblowing

Ok, first date, don't screw this up.
Girl: So where are you from?
Me: My dad's nuts; ever been there?
DAMN IT!