Uploaded on 2014.01.06 02:04:06 in Short  Favorites
* During school *
"What day is it?"
"Friday, May 24th, 2013. 2:15 pm"
* Summer vacation *
"What day is it?" "Maybe July."
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Uploaded on 2014.01.06 02:04:06 in Short  Favorites
Pedophile: "I have candy; get in the van."

Me: "No."

Pedophile: "The van has Wi-Fi."

Me: "Okay."
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Uploaded on 2014.01.06 02:04:05 in Short  Favorites
If I was a judge, Instead of shouting "ORDER IN THE COURT!" I would say "STOP... HAMMER TIME!" Then proceed to gavel out the freshest beat in the history of the judicial system.
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Uploaded on 2014.01.06 02:04:04 in Short  Favorites
I'm so excited this girl said I was the one. I'm sure the other guys in the police lineup are jealous.
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Uploaded on 2014.01.06 02:04:03 in Short  Favorites
I killed a vampire on Halloween this year... or a kid.
Either way, the wooden stake worked.
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Uploaded on 2014.01.06 02:04:02 in Short  Favorites
My wife ran off with my best friend and man I sure miss him.
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Uploaded on 2014.01.06 02:04:01 in Short  Favorites
Just bought the iPhone 5 because it has a panorama function.

I can now take a picture of my wife.
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Uploaded on 2014.01.06 02:04:00 in Short  Favorites
When I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday she said 'Just gimme something with diamonds.' That's why I got her a pack of cards.
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Uploaded on 2014.01.06 02:03:59 in Short  Favorites
Boy and girl: asked the teacher very important question?
"can kids of our age have kids?"
Teacher replied " NO Never!!"
Boy said to girl :
"see i told you not to worry!!!!
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Uploaded on 2014.01.06 02:03:58 in Short  Favorites
Kissing is such a stupid word. Face battle sounds so much better.

"Would you care for a face battle?"

"You may now face battle the bride."
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