Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.

Three drunk men & under drugs, stopped a taxi. The taxi driver figured they were not in their right minds, so he just switched on the engine & switched it off & told them"We arrived ". The 1st man gave him money, the 2nd man said "Thank u" while the 3rd slapped him! The taxi driver got surprised thinking the 3rd guy that slapped him realized the car didn't move an inch, so he asked;"what was That (slap) for?" The drunk man replied "Control your speed next time. U almost killed us.!!!"

Someone started choking in the Starbucks line. It was soooo scary. Thankfully they opened up another register.

Me: What's up?

Friend: Nothing

Me: So you're in a blank ripple of time that consists of absolutely nothing and has no real matter or density?

Friend: Yep

Robber: I'm a robber! Give me all your money!
Guy: No!
Robber: I have a knife!!
Guy: Do you?
Robber: *Looks at his pocket* Where the hell's my knife?
Guy: *Holding knife* Who's the robber now?

I'm dressing as a democrat this Halloween. I'm going to take half of all the kids candy and give it to the kids who were too lazy to go trick-r-treating.

"Is you refrigerator running?"

"Yes."

"Good, mine too, I will see you at the refrigerator race tomorrow."

My wife is so annoying. "Do you think I'm pretty? Do you think I'm pretty?"
Why doesn't she just answer me?

Many video games have the warnings 'Blood' 'Crude Language' and 'Violence'... just like a girl on period.

Anybody wanna hangout after I get off work?
So in other words; who wants to come over, sit on my couch, and play on their phone?