Your best friend has three girlfriends. Their names are Doe, Ray, and Me.

All 3 want to do something special so they set up some dates.

Three days ago Doe kisses him.

Two days ago Ray gives him vaginal sex.

Yesterday, who sucks his dick?

Easy way to tell if she wants it. Text her and say "wanna bang?" Wait for reply and if she gets mad just say "oh my gosh it was supposed to say hang"

Best way to answer the phone:
"Bob's whore house, you got the doe we got the hoe, how may I help you?"

Girl: Screw you.
Me: When?
Girl: Ugh! Asshole!
Me: I said when not where.

69% of people will automatically find what's wrong with this sentence.

One Christmas Eve, Santa Claus comes down the chimney and is startled by a beautiful 19 year old blonde. She said "Santa, will you stay with me?", Santa replied, "Ho Ho Ho gotta go, gotta go, gotta deliver these toys to good girls and boys."



So she took off her night gown, wearing only a bra and panties, she asked "Santa, now will you stay with me?"



"Ho Ho Ho gotta go, gotta go, gotta deliver these toys to good girls and boys."



She takes off everything and says "Santa, now will you stay with me?"



Santa replies "Gotta stay, gotta stay, can't get up the chimney with my d*ck this way!"

Somebody tell me how "Rub a dub dub, 3 men in a tub" became a nursery rhyme?

What's the difference between jam and jelly?

I can't jelly my dick up your ass.

Pupil: A pupil in class was banging her calculater on the table because it wasnt working.
Teacher: Erm what are you doing!?
Pupil: My calculater isnt woking.
Teacher: Well you dont have to bang it on the table i mean im sure you wouldnt like it if i banged you on the table!
Whole Class: [Laughing out loud] LOL
Do you get it ??????????

Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house everyone felt shitty even the mouse.

Mom at the whorehouse and dad smoking grass, I settled down for a nice piece of ass.

When all of a sudden I heard such a clatter, I sprung from my place to see what was the matter.

When out on the lawn I saw a big dick, I new in a moment it must be Saint Nick.

He came down the chimney like a bat out of hell, I knew in a moment the f*cker had fell.

He filled all of our stockings with pretzels and beer and a big rubber dick for my brother the queer.

He rose up the chimney with a thunderous fart, the son of a b*tch tore the chimney apart.

He swore and he cursed as he flew out of sight, "piss on you all and have a hell of a night." :)