I see you ordered the most expensive item on the menu for our first date. I hope you realize that it comes with a side order of my dick.

Roses are red, Violets are blue, Im using my hand but Im thinking of you.

What did the hurricane say to the palm tree?
-Better hold onto your nuts because this is no ordinary blowjob.

On the bus today, I was sitting next to this really beautiful girl, and I kept thinking "Please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection...", but she did.

What did the two tampons say to eachother?

Nothing , because they were both stuck up b*tches

There was a man and his wife putting a password on their new computer. The man entered 'MYWILLIE'. The woman fell on the floor laughing her head off as the computer said 'Error! Not long enough'.

"I'm nervous... I've never been with a prostitute before"
"it's alright baby just tell me what you like"
"I like turtles"

Getting a hand job from a chick is like watching the special Olympics. You keep cheering them on, but deep down inside you know you can do better.

Why do women fart after they take a piss?

Because they can't shake it, so they blow dry it.

Keep Earth clean, it's not Uranus.