Daughter: "Dad, a kid at school called me a lesbian."
Dad: "Smack her in the mouth and kick her in the vagina."
Daughter: "But dad she is cute."
Dad: ...

*Kid shows middle finger to other kid* Kid: "Wow you finally took that finger out of your ass?"

I'll kiss you in the rain so you'll get twice as wet.

I would call you a jackass but donkeys might find that offensive.

teacher: are you talking back to me? Me: yes wouldn't it be rude if I didn't?

Just talking to you makes my IQ drop.

Subject: You're ugly.
You: How can I be ugly, I don't look like you.

Guy: I f*cked ur mom last night

Me: I'm sorry I should go tell ur sister ur cheating on her

Maybe I act like I don't care but, deep down inside.. I still don't give a f*ck.

*When I'm eating chips and talking*

Teacher: Would you like to share that with the class?

Me: B*tch, are you out of your damn mind. These are for me and only me.