When nobody is home, I like to bury myself in the garden and pretend I'm a carrot..

S.H.I.T = Super.Hero.In.Training

Roses are purple.
That is a lie.
Why are you listening to me?
I'm f*ckin high.

When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye

You squeeze it, rub it up and down, thick white stuff comes out, it's a tube of toothpaste.

Sometimes I like to lay in a bathtub full of jello and pretend I'm an unborn fetus.

If your life was taped could it win an Oscar? If not, change your shit up

Guy 1: Do society a favor. Kill yourself.

Guy 2: Show me how it's done first.

Is it just me or do all of these new jokes extremely lame?

If you use dollar bills to make it rain would throwing a handful of quarters at a stripper be considered making it hail?