*At a restaurant*
Waiter - "Would you like a table?"
Me - "No, not at all, we came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.

Teacher: As you all know, tomorrow is the final exam. Other than being hospitalization or a death in your family, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here.

Student: What about extreme and utter sexual exhaustion?

Teacher: Well, you'll have to write your test with your other hand.

My friend:haha you failed

Me:so did your dads condom

Roses are red, violets are blue, this joke is overused and your sister is too

This is a shovel and rake conversation. We don't need a hoe.

Teacher: I am beautiful. What tense is this?
Me: Past tense obviously.

Ex: you're a stupid slag.

Me: I've been called worse.

Ex: what's that?

Me: your boyfriend.

Boy: I wonder why I always get a boner when I look into a mirror?
Girl: Because your dick thinks you're a pussy too!

Douche: My dick comes with a choking hazard warning.

Girl: Don't they only put that on small objects?

Son: "Dad! Dad! There is a monster under my bed!"

Dad: "Enjoy it while you can son, when you get married the monster sleeps in your bed."