Text from my mom: Can you turn on the oven?

My answer: I've done everything I can, the oven just simply does not find me sexually attractive.

"You suck!"

"...And you swallow ;)"

I was going to give you a nasty look but I see you already have one.

Keep rolling your eyes. Who knows, maybe you'll find a brain back there.

"Why are you so quiet?"

Me: "Well, nobody plans a murder out loud, do they?"

"dude that song is so old."
"i'm sorry, i didn't know music had an expiration date. what about your mom, she's old, but you still listen to her."

Boy: hey I just saw your mom on t.v last night.

girl: really?!?!?! what channel?

Boy: Animal planet

Girl: You get no girls so don't talk.

Guy: And you're like a hardware store, 10 cents a screw.

Annoying girl: your ugly

Girl: and your living proof that abortion should be legal

You remind me of a penny, two faced and f*cking worthless!