Got hired at Walmart. Do I start pulling my teeth out now or do they just fall out at orientation?

When life gives you potatoes there's something wrong with you...

When life gives you lemons, throw them back and yell "I WANTED ORANGES!!!"

Irish dude walks out of a bar.

Everyone is entitled to my opinion

ME: You smell like updog.
FRIEND: What's up dog?
ME: Nothing much man, how 'bout you?

I wonder why chocolate melts in my hand, I mean am I that hot?

My blind date told me on the phone that she was far from ugly, when I met her I realized she was a lot closer than she thinks! this b*tch need prescription make up!!

Always bake cookies at 320°, because 420° is too high.

My Cousin Ronny was born with no eyelids, so the doctors had to use his foreskin to create some. They said he would be alright, he is just a little cockeyed!