To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

Drink 'till she's cute, but stop before the wedding.

I haven't seen you since that one time I hoped I'd never see you again.

I can always tell when they use fake dinosaurs in movies.

If you're sober, it's a police car... but if you're drunk it's a taxi.

If I had a dollar for every time someone tells me to grow up, I could build the coolest tree house ever!

A blow up doll means an entirely different thing in the middle east.

When I text you a whole paragraph and you text me back 40 minutes later saying "K." Are you asking to be punched?

Does anyone have plans to stare at their phones somewhere exciting this weekend?

They say money talks but all mine ever says is "goodbye".