No woman will ever be truly satisfied on Valentines day because no man has a chocolate penis wrapped in money that ejaculates diamonds.

I want to shove a lamp up your ass so you'll lighten the f*ck up.

I hate when people pour my cereal. They don't know how much I want. They don't know my life. They don't know what I've been through.

Today; I saw a baby with a shirt that said, "I'm what happened in Vegas"

Netflix gives you 15 seconds between episodes to decide if you're doing anything with your life today.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"

A gift card is a great way to say, "Go buy your own f*ckin' present".

I named my dog "5 miles" so I can tell people I walk 5 miles every day.

School starts with "s" and so does slavery.

Coincidence? I think not.

I am done trying to understand women. Women understand women and they hate each other.