Why do single women take dating advice from other single women? That's like Stevie Wonder giving driving directions to Ray Charles.

If all the characters from the Mickey Mouse show are talking animals, why is Pluto just a f*ckin' dog?

I just read an article about the dangers of drinking that scared the crap out of me. That's it. No more reading!

Wow, it's beautiful outside. I should probably do something. Like close the blinds so there isn't a glare on my screen.

Men are like babies... when they get cranky, just shove a nipple in their mouth!

Attention Walmart Shoppers: Dress for the body you have, not the body you want.

I don't always have time to study, but when I do, I don't.

I get my cereal from a tiger, insurance from a gecko, toilet paper from a bear, financial advice from a gorilla. It's people I don't trust.

I have so much debt, I can start a government.

If you get offended by the jokes and comments on here, go ahead and blame your parents... for raising a pussy.