Picking up this tiny piece of paper would take 2 seconds, but instead, I'm gonna run it over 100 times with my vacuum at different angles.

That annoying moment when your Capri Sun refuses to lose it's virginity.

Why doesn't someone invent a clear toaster so you can see how toasted your toast is while it's toasting?

When I seen a nun in a wheelchair one thought came to mind. Virgin mobile.

If the government shuts down then nothing will get done... just like before.

We live in a society where the relationship status on Facebook is more official than a wedding ring.

I hate when I walk into the classroom late and everyone stares at me like I just killed two people when I obviously killed seven.

"No, thanks. I'm a vegetarian." is a fun thing to say when someone hands you their baby.

It's so cold outside, I actually saw a gangster pull his pants up.

My love is like a candle... Because if you forget about me I will burn your f*cking house to the ground.