The sad moment when you return to your ordinary life after watching an awesome movie.

Ah, 'Friday'... my second favorite F-word.

When the zombie apocalypse finally happens, I'm moving to Washington D.C. I figure the lack of brains there will keep the undead masses away.

I may not be jesus but I can turn water into koolaid

Taco Bell doesn't have a playground, because it's hard to have fun when you might shit your pants at any minute.

Women are like shed roofs, if you don't nail them hard enough they'll end up next door.

Assassins are impressive. Its not the killing part that impresses me; its that they figured out a way to fit "ass" into the same word twice.

Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond but by the end you wish u had a club and a spade.

Whatever you do in life, always give 100%. Unless you're donating blood...

Everyone's middle name should be "Motherf*ckin". Try it. Doesn't it sound so great?