Every time someone calls me fat I get so depress I cut myself... a piece of cake.

There's always that one kid in PE who thinks it's the f*cking Olympics.

You know you're ugly when it comes to a group picture and they hand you the camera.

Telling a girl to calm down works about as well as trying to baptize a cat.

I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, "I'm peeing in here!"
Fucking b*tch.

Life without women would be a pain in the ass, literally.

I am more pissed off than a dragon trying to blow out candles.

Accidentally pooped my pants in the elevator.
I'm taking this shit to a whole new level.

I have a perfect insult for you: And you're name is Lydia!

Why can't orphans play baseball? Because they don't know where home is.