Uploaded on 2014.01.06 02:05:45 in Short  Favorites
Someone started choking in the Starbucks line. It was soooo scary. Thankfully they opened up another register.
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Uploaded on 2014.01.06 02:05:44 in Short  Favorites
Me: What's up?

Friend: Nothing

Me: So you're in a blank ripple of time that consists of absolutely nothing and has no real matter or density?

Friend: Yep
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Uploaded on 2014.01.06 02:05:42 in Short  Favorites
I'm dressing as a democrat this Halloween. I'm going to take half of all the kids candy and give it to the kids who were too lazy to go trick-r-treating.
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Uploaded on 2014.01.06 02:05:42 in Short  Favorites
Robber: I'm a robber! Give me all your money!
Guy: No!
Robber: I have a knife!!
Guy: Do you?
Robber: *Looks at his pocket* Where the hell's my knife?
Guy: *Holding knife* Who's the robber now?
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Uploaded on 2014.01.06 02:05:41 in Short  Favorites
"Is you refrigerator running?"

"Yes."

"Good, mine too, I will see you at the refrigerator race tomorrow."
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Uploaded on 2014.01.06 02:05:40 in Short  Favorites
My wife is so annoying. "Do you think I'm pretty? Do you think I'm pretty?"
Why doesn't she just answer me?
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Uploaded on 2014.01.06 02:05:39 in Short  Favorites
Many video games have the warnings 'Blood' 'Crude Language' and 'Violence'... just like a girl on period.
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Uploaded on 2014.01.06 02:05:38 in Short  Favorites
Anybody wanna hangout after I get off work?
So in other words; who wants to come over, sit on my couch, and play on their phone?
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Uploaded on 2014.01.06 02:05:37 in Short  Favorites
Man: Hey hitler.
Hitler: Vat?
Man: I think you lost something.
Hitler: Vat?
Man: World war 2!! LOL!!
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Uploaded on 2014.01.06 02:05:37 in Short  Favorites
What does a baby computer call its dad?
Data.
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