A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.

If its so great outside why do bugs try to get in my f*cking house?

What's the point in blurring out the middle finger on television? Like, oh you fooled me, what's behind that blur? An umbrella? An elephant?

I got some Chinese symbols tattooed on my arm that reads, "I don't know, I don't speak Chinese". So when someone asks what it says...

What's the difference between a woman's argument and a knife?
The knife has a point.

Mother said to the father "please have a word our son, I found a stack of porno magazines under his bed."
The father walks into the son's bed room "Son you must stop looking at porno magazines, they'll make you go blind."
"I'm over here dad".

Remember kids, if a person offers you drugs, you make sure you take it, because drugs are expensive.

Me: Is there a problem officer?
Cop: You were swerving alot back there
Me: Well I had 8 beers officer
Cop: Thats no excuse to let your wife drive

I hate those couples who have a fight then a few minutes later change their facebook status to "single", I mean I fight with my parents all the time but I don't start saying i'm an orphan!

Devil: Welcome to Hell... you're trapped here for eternity, burning in the flames fueled by your sins.
Me: What's your WiFi password?