Money doesn't buy happiness? Well it does buy a jet ski. Have you ever seen a sad person on a jet ski? Ya, I thought so...

I just saw two elementary school kids having a fist fight. So as an adult I had to step in. They didn't stand a chance.

Went to my friends house with my girlfriend today. As we walked in I noticed her phone automatically connected to his wifi. That f*cking slut.

Don't judge abook by it's cover...

My math book has a picture of someone enjoying themself.

Job interview:
"What's your greatest weakness?"
"Honesty."
"I don't think honesty is a weakness." "I don't give a f*ck what you think."

Teacher: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?

Student: A teacher!

I always wondered why The Muppets had such large protruding eyes. I then realized that if I had a hand shoved up my ass my eyes would do the same.

I tried to convince my little girl that it's perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants.
...But she didn't buy it. She's still making fun of me.

How guys propose: On one knee.

How girls propose: "I'm pregnant!"

Husband: Honey, do u smell that?

Wife: No.

Husband: Yeah, me neither, start cooking.