They wanted something long and hard.....

I gave them MY HOMEWORK!

A guy who was in the Air Force had just spent a year unaccompanied in Shemya, Alaska. The first night home, he told his wife he had something to show her.
"I've mastered the art of mind over matter. Just watch this!" And with that he dropped his trousers and shorts and stood before her in his altogether. "Dick, ten-HUT!" And with that, his dick sprang to full erection. "Dick, at EASE!" And his dick deflated again.
"That was amazing," said his wife. "Can I bring over our neighbor to show her?"
The guy responded that he didn't mind at all, since he was proud of his accomplishment. So his wife brought back a delicious looking woman.
"Dick, ten-HUT!" And his penis sprang up. "Dick, at EASE!" Nothing. "Dick, at EASE!" Still nothing. "For the last time, Dick -- at EASE!"
Frustratingly enough, nothing happened. Embarrassed, he ran off to the bathroom. Worried, his wife ran after and found that he was vigorously masturbating.
"What are you doing?"
"I'm giving this guy a dishonorable discharge!"

I like my men like I like my thongs. BIack and up my ass.

A man gets his wallet and walks to the fornt door, his wife sees him and calls,
"baby where are you going?" he replies,
"a strip club with my mates"
she replies
"but baby I can strip for you for free"
he replies
"ok then" the husband goes on his phone and begins texting.
wife says,
"so are you telling them you aren't coming?"
He shakes his head and replies
"no I am bringing them over here"

sir: (to a girl) "what is the human body part that is usefull whan straight?"
girl: "O.o!"
sir: (to a boy) "you tell it"
boy: "spine sir!"
sir: "very good.. now i know what you were thinking girl!"

Guy 1: Where were you last night when I called? I heard my mom choking.

Guy 2: Well this is awkward.

Flashlight

A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!". The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"

What do sharpies and dicks have in common? The black one's are used more.

There was a guy, a girl, and three dogs. The guy said I want to go coon hunting, the girl said I don't want to go. The guy said you have two choices, suck my dick, or we have sex. He went and got the dogs ready, when he came back in she gave him head, and said this tastes like dog shit. He said I know, the dogs didn't want to go coon hunting either.

Calling your girlfriend your "girlfrien" because you'll give her the D later!