As I was running my fingers through my hair, I thought to myself... I really need to shave my ass.

It only takes 3.5 inches to please a woman... it doesn't matter if its Visa or Mastercard.

Johnny's daddy is the principle of the school.
He saw his teacher leaving school.
Johnny: ''Hey miss where you going?''
Teacher: ''Home.''
Johnny: ''Can I come with?''
Teacher: '' No!''
Johnny: '' I'm gonna tell my daddy!''
Teacher: ''Fine.''
They arrive at the teachers house...
Teacher: ''Johnny i'm going to take a shower.''
Johnny: ''Can I come?''
Teacher:''No!''
Johnny: ''I'm gonna tell my daddy.''
Teacher:''Fine.''
They are in the shower...
Johnny: ''Can I touch your belly button?''
Teacher: ''No.''
Johnny: ''I'm gonna tell my daddy.''
Teacher: ''Fine.''
Teacher: ''Errr... Johnny thats not my belly button!''
Johnny: '' Thats not my finger.''

Boy: Babe, tell me something that makes me happy and angry at the same time.

Girl: You've got a bigger penis, than all of your friends.

Me: If I washed my dick would you suck it?

Her: NO!

Me: You dirty cock sucker

I recently suggested to my wife that she should try masturbating with fruits. She went f*cking bananas.

It's not rape if you jump on a cheerleader when she yells "Give me a D".

*pregnant girl gets on bus*

Bus driver: Excuse me sir could you give your seat up?

Man: Nooooo, she shoulda fucked someone with a car.

Sex is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest.

Some one asked me how people view lesbians in my country. Apparently 'Usually in HD' wasn't the answer they were looking for.