Why do women fart after they take a piss?

Because they can't shake it, so they blow dry it.

Getting a hand job from a chick is like watching the special Olympics. You keep cheering them on, but deep down inside you know you can do better.

"I'm nervous... I've never been with a prostitute before"
"it's alright baby just tell me what you like"
"I like turtles"

There was a man and his wife putting a password on their new computer. The man entered 'MYWILLIE'. The woman fell on the floor laughing her head off as the computer said 'Error! Not long enough'.

What did the two tampons say to eachother?

Nothing , because they were both stuck up b*tches

On the bus today, I was sitting next to this really beautiful girl, and I kept thinking "Please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection...", but she did.

What did the hurricane say to the palm tree?
-Better hold onto your nuts because this is no ordinary blowjob.

Roses are red, Violets are blue, Im using my hand but Im thinking of you.

I see you ordered the most expensive item on the menu for our first date. I hope you realize that it comes with a side order of my dick.

Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house everyone felt shitty even the mouse.

Mom at the whorehouse and dad smoking grass, I settled down for a nice piece of ass.

When all of a sudden I heard such a clatter, I sprung from my place to see what was the matter.

When out on the lawn I saw a big dick, I new in a moment it must be Saint Nick.

He came down the chimney like a bat out of hell, I knew in a moment the f*cker had fell.

He filled all of our stockings with pretzels and beer and a big rubber dick for my brother the queer.

He rose up the chimney with a thunderous fart, the son of a b*tch tore the chimney apart.

He swore and he cursed as he flew out of sight, "piss on you all and have a hell of a night." :)