My little sister was being made fun of at school be#ausc shes adopted so she told them, " my momma choose me. your parents are stuck with you."

kid: *middle finger*

me: i have one of those too except i use it on ur mom!

Random kid: Dafak ya lookin' at!? I'ma fak ya an' yo peeps!
Me: Stand back, I'm gonna try to communicate with it.

"Why do you even wear a bra? You have nothing to put it in."

Me: "You wear pants, don't you?"

I've met some pricks in my time but you my friend, are the f*cking cactus

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Faces like yours belong in the zoo.
Don't be mad, I'll be there, too.
Not in the cage, but laughing at you!

Wife: "Do you know how many calories are in that beer?"

Me: "Probably the same as the amount of f*cks I don't give."

Son - "Dad, I'm gay."
Dad - "I had sex with your mom."
Son - "Huh?"
Dad - "Sorry, I thought we were talking about things that were stupidly obvious."

*At a restaurant*
Waiter - "Would you like a table?"
Me - "No, not at all, we came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.

Teacher: As you all know, tomorrow is the final exam. Other than being hospitalization or a death in your family, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here.

Student: What about extreme and utter sexual exhaustion?

Teacher: Well, you'll have to write your test with your other hand.