Fat person: Im not fat, being overweight just runs in my family.
Me: Bitch please, If ANYONE ran in your family you wouldnt have this problem

Parents: "You need to stop watching TV, and read more!"

Me: *turns on subtitles*

Oh your spreading rumours about me? It's nice to know you have a hobby spreading things other than your legs.

Me: Mum i got a detention today
Mum: Why!
Me: Well the teacher pointed the ruler at me and said "at the end of this ruler is a idiot".
Mum: Yeah so
Me: I asked what end.

Guy: FAIL!!

Me: no one asked you for your life story.

Whore: You're so ugly!

Me: Really?

Whore: Yes!

Me: Good, I was trying to look like you today.

Them: Bitch.

You: call me a b*tch again i dare you.

Them: Bitch

You: That's right b*tches do what their told.

* nerds phone rings in class *

Cool Guy - awww, was that your mommy?

* whole class laughs *

Nerd Guy - nope, it was yours.

* whole class is silent *

Teacher: Why are you here so early?

Student: Because my mom told me to go to Hell...

Bully - "Hey fat ass. Why you so fat?"

Fat kid - "Because every time I f*ck ya mother she give me a cookie."