I'm the kind of guy who stops the microwave at 1 second just to feel like a bomb defuser.

If skinny people go skinny dipping. Do fat people go chunky dunking?

Sometimes I like to hide my wife's inhaler so the neighbors think I'm a stallion when they hear her panting "Give it to me!

A big shout out to sidewalks... Thanks for keeping me off the streets.

If a quiz is quizzical, then what does that make a test?

I wonder if anyone has watched Storage Wars and said "hey that's my shit!"

"Don't kid yourself" would be a great slogan for a condom company

Alcohol should be served in Capri Sun pouches.
When you can no longer get the straw in the hole, you've had enough.

Every time someone calls me fat I get so depress I cut myself... a piece of cake.

There's always that one kid in PE who thinks it's the f*cking Olympics.