Woman spelt backwards is kitchen.

.....guy gets pulled over by a cop
cop;sir,do you know how fast you were goin?
man:no
cop:well you were goin 86 mph.
man:LIKE A BOSS,BITCH
.....drives off

Mummy, I've found a fake hundred.
- How do you know that it is false?
-because it had three zeros at the end!

*speeding*

cop:pull over!!!

me: *pulls over*

cop:do you know why i pulled you over?

me:yes!!! do you?

(I’m at the college IT support office to fix a bug on my laptop and find all the employees looking bored. I walk up to one of them and he pays no attention to me whatsoever.)

Me: Excuse me. I’ve got a problem with my laptop.

IT Support Guy: *incoherent mumbling*

Me: Sir?

IT Support Guy: *while not looking at me* How long ago did you buy the device?

Me: Uh… well, I got it at the beginning of the semester.

IT Support Guy: Have you tried to reset it?

Me: I haven’t even told you the problem yet.

IT Support Guy: That doesn’t work? Okay. Can you tell me the manufacturer of the device?

Me: It’s [computer brand]. But sir, I—

(He proceeds explaining all kinds of stuff which is clearly not directed to me. He finally turns to me; it turns out the entire time I thought he was just leaning his head on his hand, he wasn’t. He was talking on the phone to someone else and is now looking annoyed.)

IT Support Guy: Can’t you see I’m on the phone?

Me: Sorry!

when you go to a party find the ugliest girl and when she starts to look hot, go home, alone

4/20? You mean 1/5...

Reduce your fractions. Did you even learn math?

Setting:On a computer key board shrunken in size
Harry: My mom must keep her shrink ray here
Jimmy: DAH! SHE KEEPS IT INSIDE THE DRAWER!
Harry:jeez! you don't have to yell.
Jimmy:sorry,I was standing on caps lock

My wife gets so clumsy when she's pregnant...
Take tomorrow for instance, she's gonna fall down the stairs.

What do Mexicans put under their carpets?

Underlay!