What's the point in blurring out the middle finger on television? Like, oh you fooled me, what's behind that blur? An umbrella? An elephant?

I got some Chinese symbols tattooed on my arm that reads, "I don't know, I don't speak Chinese". So when someone asks what it says...

Mother said to the father "please have a word our son, I found a stack of porno magazines under his bed."
The father walks into the son's bed room "Son you must stop looking at porno magazines, they'll make you go blind."
"I'm over here dad".

What's the difference between a woman's argument and a knife?
The knife has a point.

Remember kids, if a person offers you drugs, you make sure you take it, because drugs are expensive.

Me: Is there a problem officer?
Cop: You were swerving alot back there
Me: Well I had 8 beers officer
Cop: Thats no excuse to let your wife drive

I hate those couples who have a fight then a few minutes later change their facebook status to "single", I mean I fight with my parents all the time but I don't start saying i'm an orphan!

Devil: Welcome to Hell... you're trapped here for eternity, burning in the flames fueled by your sins.
Me: What's your WiFi password?

Son: dad dad a kid told me I am gay
Dad: well kick his ass
Son: oooh nooo he is so cute

My doctor told me to start killing people. Well not in those exact words. He said I had to reduce the stress in my life. Same thing.