it's funny how after an argument is over, you start to think about more clever shit you could have said

Mom: "Shouldn't you be cleaning your room?"

Me: "Shouldn't you be in the Kitchen?"

I've never been hit so hard.

The closest that I've gotten to murder: Holding Oreos under the milk until the bubbles stop...

Coach: Okay class, today we are going to play a game. When I say a fruit, you run to the right side of the court. And when I say a color, you run to the left side of the court. got it?
Class: Got it.
Coach: Okay... Ready, set... ORANGE!

-Dude that party was wicked

-You were drunk outta your mind

-I was not drunk

-Dude you were cutting pine-apples yelling "SpongeBob I know your in there"

1. Change last name to Crunch.

2. Join the military.

3. Work my way up to Captain.

4. Become Captain Crunch.

Ask this question to someone next time they're drunk or high.

"On a scale of 1 to 10, what's your favorite color in the alphabet?"

Yesterday, I got high and went to Olive Garden.

Waitress: Would you like soup or salad?

Me: What the f*ck is a super salad?

I put Jesus as my background pic & now my phone never dies.

Yup, He's my screen-savior.

Dear McDonalds cashier,

Don't give me that look, there's no age limit on a happy meal.

Sincerely, don't forget the toy b*tch!!