Playing I spy with my dad when I was younger:
Dad: I spy something gray.
Little sister: Your hair!
Dad: I spy something adopted!

How do you know when your too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree then realize it was your air freshener.

Q: What did one butt cheek say to the other?
A: Together, we can stop this sh*t.

A snail that meows, a squirrel in an astronaut suit, and a crab with a whale for a daughter: The Directors of Spongebob were obviously high.

If u r awesome vote kickass and if u r gay u know what to do

I was walking along the street the other day when I slipped in dog shit. A minute later, some guy did exactly the same thing. I said to him, "I just did that." So, he punched me in the face and called me a dirty bastard.

Neil Armstrong was the first human being on the moon.

Neil A. backwards is Alien.

Mind f*cked.

Do midgets still start their childhood stories off with, "When I was little"?

To do list:

1. Buy a sword

2. Name it Kindness

3. Kill people with Kindness

Me: I bet you can't say the alphabet faster than me.

Friend: challenge accepted A B C D E F G H I....

Me: the alphabet

Friend: you son of a b*tch...