I didn't sleep very good last night. So this morning I put Monster energy drinks in my coffee... I was half way to work when I realized I forgot my car.

DO NOT READ THE NEXT SENTENCE.
You little rebel, I like you.

teacher: stop intrupting while im talking

Student: you stop talking while im interupting

Finding out your ex got fat is like finding 20 bucks in your pocket.
Not life changing but definitely puts a smile on your face.

it's funny how after an argument is over, you start to think about more clever shit you could have said

Mom: "Shouldn't you be cleaning your room?"

Me: "Shouldn't you be in the Kitchen?"

I've never been hit so hard.

The closest that I've gotten to murder: Holding Oreos under the milk until the bubbles stop...

Coach: Okay class, today we are going to play a game. When I say a fruit, you run to the right side of the court. And when I say a color, you run to the left side of the court. got it?
Class: Got it.
Coach: Okay... Ready, set... ORANGE!

-Dude that party was wicked

-You were drunk outta your mind

-I was not drunk

-Dude you were cutting pine-apples yelling "SpongeBob I know your in there"

1. Change last name to Crunch.

2. Join the military.

3. Work my way up to Captain.

4. Become Captain Crunch.