How we wake up I'm the morning:
Brain: "Oh f*ck."
Body: "Don't get up."
Dick: "THIS IS SPARTAA!!!"

Boy : Marry me.. ?
Girl: Do you have a house..?
Boy : No..
Girl: Do you have a BMW car.. ?
Boy : No..
Girl: How much is your salary.. ?
Boy : No salary.. but,..
Girl: No but. You have nothing.. How can i
marry you.??
Leave please.!
Boy: (talk to himself) I have one villa, 3
property lands, 3 Ferrari, 2Porsche.. Why I
still need to buy BMW.?! How can I get the
salary when actually I am the BOSS

*boy whispers to his mom during a wedding*

boy: "Mommy?"

mom: "What?"

boy: "Why is the girl dressed in white?"

mom: "Because this is the happiest day of her life."

boy: "... so why is the boy dressed in black?"

What is the lightest thing in the world?
A penis…even a thought can raise it.

Playing I spy with my dad when I was younger:
Dad: I spy something gray.
Little sister: Your hair!
Dad: I spy something adopted!

How do you know when your too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree then realize it was your air freshener.

Q: What did one butt cheek say to the other?
A: Together, we can stop this sh*t.

A snail that meows, a squirrel in an astronaut suit, and a crab with a whale for a daughter: The Directors of Spongebob were obviously high.

If u r awesome vote kickass and if u r gay u know what to do

I was walking along the street the other day when I slipped in dog shit. A minute later, some guy did exactly the same thing. I said to him, "I just did that." So, he punched me in the face and called me a dirty bastard.