There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it.



Doctor: What was the problem?



Elderly man: Well, you I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing.



Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?!



Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup.

What do you call a girl who does not masturbate?
A liar

Two preists were in the showers. One of the preist gets out to get spme soap when three nuns walk in. The preist instantly freezes hold a bar of soap in each hand. "what a life like statue" syays one of the nuns and they all start feeling the preist all over. One nun pulls his dick and he drops a bar of soap. " And its a soap despencer as well!" the nun says. the second nun pulls his dick and he drops another bar of soap. the thrid nun pulls his dick and nothin happens. she pulls again this time harder but still nothing happens. she pulls his dick again and again until at last she says "and its a moisturiser!!!"