A man escapes a prison where he has been locked up for 15 years. He goes into a house and finds a young couple in bed. He forces the young man into a chair and duck taped him there. Then he leans over the woman and kisses her neck, then he goes into the bathroom. The man whispers to his wife "Honey this man is an escaped convict look at his clothes. He probably hasn't seen a young woman in years, I saw the way he kissed your neck, so do whatever he says of he might kill us be strong honey love you." The wife leans over and whispers "He wasn't kissing my neck he whispered in my ear that he was gay and thought you were cute. So he asked if we had any lube, I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey love you too."

A Canadian soldier is walking around in Iraq. He stumbles on a Jini's lamp, rubs it a Jini comes out and says : "you have one wish, what would that be?" the soldier thinks a little and says " I wish for the war in Iraq to end". the Jini says em i don't think even i can do something about that. Do you have any other wish? The soldier then says "I want the Maple Leaves to win their next game" The Jini looks at the soldier and says "What was that wish about Iraq again?"

What's the difference between a mosquito and a woman?



When you slap a mosquito it stops sucking.

An old woman walked into an antique store and looked at a diamond necklace in a glass cabinet. Suddenly, she let out a fart. She coughed, trying to disguise it, because a shop assistant was walking by. She then called the assistant over and asked how much the necklace was.





The assistant replied, "If you just farted looking at it you'll shit yourself when I tell you the price!"

Dating a stripper is like eating a noisy bag of chips in church... everyone looks at you in disgust, but deep down inside they want some too.