Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.



He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

(Dad's daughter walks up to him)
Daughter- Dad i gotta tell u something...
Dad- Whats tht?
Daughter- I'm a lesbian.
Dad- Okay.
(Dad walks around then his other daughter comes up to him)
Daughter #2- Dad i gotta tell u something...
Dad- Whts tht?
Daughter #2- I'm a lesbian.
Dad- Damn, does anybody in this house like dick?
Son- I do!!!!

Every year, Grandma and her grandkids, Suzy, Jill, and Billy come stay with her over Christmas. And every Christmas Eve they would make a big bowl of cookie dough so they could make cookies on Christmas Day. And every time, the next morning the cookie dough would be gone. The grandma could never catch them, so this year she put metal bb's in the cookie dough. The next morning, the cookie dough was gone and soon Suzy came running downstairs.

''Grandma, I went to the bathroom to pee and bb's came out.''

"Suzy," Grandma said. "I know you've been eating cookie dough. Sit down." Then Jill came down and said ''Grandma, I went poo and there were bb's in it.''

"Jill, I know you've been eating cookie dough. Sit down." About five minutes later little Billy came.

''Grandma something terrible has happened, I was jerking off in the garage and I shot the cat!''

I wonder if a receptionist at a sperm bank has ever used the phrase: "Thanks for coming."

Son- Hey mom can I have $15 bucks
Mom- Does it look like money grows on trees? Son- What is money made out of? Mom- Paper
Son- What is paper from? Mom- Trees. Son- Exactly.