My penis was in the Guiness Book of Records... until the librarian kicked me out.

dad: son get me a drink!

son: juice or pepsi?

dad: pepsi

son: hot or cold?

dad: cold!

son: sweet or salty?

dad: damn it just get me water!

son: still or mineral?

dad: MINERAL!

son: minty or normal?

dad: im gonna kill you!

son: head or body?

dad: head!

son: shotgun or knife?

dad: $%&?!)$&*!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If she is still able to walk to the kitchen after sex, you don't deserve a f*cking sandwich.

A little girl was asking her teacher.
Girl: “Can my mom get pregnant?”
Teacher: “How old is your mom?”
Girl: “She’s 40!”
Teacher: Yes, she can.”
Girl: “Can my sister get pregnant?”
Teacher: “How old is your sister?”
Girl: “She’s 18.”
Teacher: “Yes, she can.”
Girl: “Can I get pregnant?
Teacher: “How old are you?”
Girl: “I’m 12.”
Teacher: “No you cannot get pregnant.”
A lil boy sitting behind the lil girl said, “I told you we have nothing to worry about.”
The teacher fainted.

A pregnant woman got shot 3 times and recovered, but the bullets were never found. Later she had triplets, two girls and one boy.



Many years later, the first girl came up to her mom and told about how she peed out a bullet.



The next day the second came up and the mother said, "Lemme guess, you peed out a bullet too." She was right.



The next day her young boy came up to his mom and says, "Mom, I'm so ashamed of what just happened" The mother replied, "Aw, honey, it's alright, your sisters peed out a bullet too, it's nothing to be ashamed of."



"No, that's not it" he said. "I was rubbing myself, and I think I shot the dog"