Man: Have I seen you somewhere before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down here
Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.
Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.
Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

Everytime I go to a wedding......
Grandparents: *poke* *poke* Ur next. Ur next
Me: Next time I go to a funeral I'll do that same sh*t to you.See how you like it.

Me: how does it feel to be born on the highway
Friend: what???
Me: well isn't that were accidents happen